Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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