How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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