Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
