Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
