Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
