finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
