oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
