I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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