I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
