U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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