Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
