i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
