i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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