She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Is Oprah even human
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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