Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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