Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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