you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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