I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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