Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
