with your own penis?
If that was your dad, he is hot
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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