yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
