I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
