i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
