Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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