matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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