somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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