coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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