Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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