How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
