WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
