Life is so much better after having sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
