Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
