i think my mom watched the whole time
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
