i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
