you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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