my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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