that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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