Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
