hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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