News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Randomize
