bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
be right there i have to get my cape
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
