I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
