I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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