piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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