Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
