I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Blood and glitter go together right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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