new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize