Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
