you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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