You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
