i don't like sucking hair
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
