how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
