she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
