I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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