Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
