I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
