hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
