I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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