My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Drunk is not a location!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
