dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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