omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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