my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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