P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
